Feeling alone in a crowd full of people

In 2012/2013 when I first start started to become sick I felt so alone. I had so many people around me but I felt so isolated. I was suffering with anxiety and depression but whenever I tried to talk about it I felt so alone because I wasn’t aloud to talk about my feelings. If I tried to talk about my feelings I was told to just get over it and that I was being stupid! The only stupid person here were the people refusing to listen and help me. I ended up bottling thing up which would lead to me snapping because I just couldn’t take it any longer.

But I had more than just anxiety and depression going on in my life. It was the start of me becoming chronically ill but no one knew at the time what was happening to my body. I started getting the most horrendous back pain (although take me back to those days any day). I also started bleeding heavily all the time and passing blood clots. Doctors couldn’t tell me why this was happening and so I was in hospital load having tests done all the time. I was having MRI scans and ultrasounds. They found cysts on the ovaries but didn’t think that was the cause to my problems.

Many times my GP would send me to a&e because I would see him crying in pain and he didn’t know what to do and knew I needed help. One time my Gran took me to hospital because my parents were working. She sat with me while they did some test and then they gave me a morphine injection into the bum because of the pain. They kept me in over night while they did obs on be but there was nothing clear going on so I was sent home. Another time my mum and sister took me to a&e late at night. I was in agony later that night they decided I needed to see the gynaecologist but they were at a different hospital which meant I had to go via ambulance by myself to this other hospital where I didn’t get seen until 3am.

I was visiting my GP quite a bit and I was having loads of time off work and college. People couldn’t accept this and thought I was being stupid and making it up. People around me who were meant to care didn’t show me support. I only had a few people who actually showed real support during this time.

Why when your surrounded by loved ones that you can feel so alone? I’m 2013 I was diagnosed with endometriosis and then over the years all my other illnesses have followed.

I’ve had many people want to put things behind them and move on and pretend like things are okay between us but it brings back a lot of memories. It makes it harder when they come up with excuses and try to pretend like you weren’t sick or that things were always fine. Just admit you were wrong and shouldn’t have treated me that way and should have respected me more at a time when I needed people in my life.

If you have someone in your life who is sick show them some love and compassion. Believe them and make sure they know you love them. Please don’t make them feel alone because it will destroy them at a time they need you the most.

Xx

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To my best friend, i am Milly. To everyone else i’m ‘the sick one’

To my best friend, I am Milly. To everyone else I’m ‘the sick one’

I get sick of being sick. I get sick of being ‘the sick friend’, or ‘the sick family member’. To my best friend, I’m Milly. I’m her best friend who fights chronic illnesses and we are always there for each other. I’m hardly ever just a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter or an auntie. I’m the sick one. The one that no one really wants to be around or actually wants to know how they are. I mean, why would they? I’m sick and that’s the story of my life. If they ask me how I am I have to lie and say “yeah I’m good thanks”. I’m not allowed to tell the truth because they don’t want to hear it.

No one wants to talk to me or see me anymore because of my illnesses. Everyone sits there talking about their lives, their boyfriends or girlfriends, their kids, their jobs or studies, their holidays, their nights out drinking and seeing friends and me? What do I have to talk about? A new illness that’s been added to the list, my pain getting worse, how I’ve struggled to get out of bed or leave the house recently, how my skin has flared with spots because my hormones are all over the place, or I have yet another hospital appointment or another surgery to add to the list.

Now if I’m with my friend we will sit there for hours chatting away about all sorts of things. Yes, we chat about how poorly we have both been feeling but we also can chat none stop about anything and everything having a proper giggle. But if I’m around family it’s a different story. They chat at me with all the fun things happening in their lives while I just sit there and smile and nod. Then I have the really uncomfortable part of saying about what new has been happening with me which let’s be honest is nothing.

I got into a stage of deep depression a few years ago, due to family problems I was having. Some nasty things had been said about me faking my illnesses, just being lazy and that I would be alone for the rest of my life and that no one would ever love me because I have nothing to give to a relationship. It really messed with my head and while I’m in a better place now I still have days when I struggle massively and I find it very very hard to be around some family members and go into panic attack mode.

One of the things I find really hard is the fact family want to all hang out with each other but I’m always excluded. Its “let’s go shopping”, “let’s go to lunch”, or “fancy coming around”. They all have things to talk about, things in common, but they don’t want to get to know me because I’m ‘just the sick one’. I have nothing but my illnesses to talk about. When I did my beauty course I was really hoping people would say to me “I’ll be a model for you”. No I didn’t hear that at all. I really struggled to find models with put more stress on me which I really didn’t need because I had started losing my vision and needed major eye surgery. I thought after I qualified, once I brought all my bits so I could do it from home they would help me out and have treatments so that I could share it on my page and get more practice. Again, that never happened. I had brought all this stuff for what felt like no reason. I find it hard watching them play happy families all the time. My illnesses make me feel so excluded and unloved. I never asked to be sick, it’s the life I was unfortunately given.

Sometimes I’ll cry at night when I’m in bed because it all just gets too much for me and I can’t cope with all my feeling. I can’t cope because I stay strong for too long because staying strong is my only option sometimes. All the memories come flooding back to me and my heart just breaks in two. I remember all the times I’ve been really sick in hospital and have not one text come through to my phone to ask me if I’m okay. I remember all the names I’ve been called by people who should never call you those names. I lie there and think how they are all happy in relationships and happy in life and how I’m single and how “no one will ever love me because I have illnesses so nothing to give to a relationship”. I lie there and think how different my life would be if I hadn’t got sick. Maybe I would have been a nurse by now, maybe I would have a great beauty business, or maybe I would have a family of my own to focus on. But I am sick so I will never know the answer to that.

I will always be that sick daughter, that sick sister, that sick niece, that sick cousin that sick granddaughter and that sick auntie but to my best friend I will always be Milly.

xx